Wirt Gets the Birds
by WirtGetstheBird69
Summary: Prom is approaching at Unknown High, however there is a sinister plan lurking over the horizon. This is a mix of a fanfiction and a parody.
1. First Day of School

Wirt looks at himself in the mirror, standing determined, prepared for any unknown adventures that may await him. Wirt stares dramatically as his red and blue cape blows against the wind seeping into his home.  
Then, suddenly Greg walks in, interrupting Wirt's dramatic pose.

"Are you just going to stand there all day or are you going to school,", Greg said in a sarcastic tone.

Wirt replied, "Of course, I'm just thinking about Poetry and whatever." Wirt and Greg then proceed to the kitchen where they eat a breakfast of Potatoes and Molasses.

After Breakfast, the two half brothers walk out of there front doors as Wirt says, as he does every day now, "Into the Unknown."  
Then, the brothers step into an inter-dimensional portal in the river that transports them to The Unknown High School.

It's the first day of school, marking Gregory's first day in high school, and Wirt's first day of his senior year. As the brothers walk in they're instantly greeted by their friend group consisting of Beatrice, Lorna, Sara, and Jason Funderberker(the frog). Each classmate talks about their respective summers. Lorna explains that she read the book, "Tome of the Unknown," for the 98th time while Beatrice explains how hard it was to resist throwing rocks at birds.  
"Everything in nature is so annoying, she bluntly explains. Sara only talks about all of the romantic dates that Wirt took her on. Both Beatrice and Lorna show clear disgust as they both secretly love Wirt, but for now, they couldn't have him. Jason Funderberker, didn't speak, but everyone in school couldn't stop talking about the summer musical tour he held across the Unknown. Greg went along with his frog, as he was his trusted drum player.

After each of the friends finish speaking, the Beast walks up to the group saying, "This summer I consumed the souls of many children because I'm dark, brooding, and edgy. Not that you care, you mere plebs." He then walked away, drifting back into his dark corner.  
The Beast doesn't typically attend classes. Instead he stands in his dark corner, rebelling against society. The entire friend group is weirded out by their little exchange, if it could even be considered one.

Fortunately, the bell rings, and commands the students to walk to their first period class.  
Gregory, so excited to start high school, runs with Jason the frog to his first period class. He and Jason walk into their designated classroom as both of the friends sit down in desks right beside each other. They look at the board which reads, "Literature with Langtree."  
On the opposite side of Unkown High School, Wirt and Sara walk into their first class, woodshop. As they enter through the door they greet their teacher, The Woodsman, who solemnly hollers to them, "I warn you. This class is no place for children." Wirt and Sara, ignoring the Woodsman's comment, continue walking, until they're seated in the classroom.  
Across the hall from the woodshop, Beatrice and Lorna arrive at their class, "Criminal Law with the Highwayman." As the school bell rings, Ms. Langtree states to her students, "Once the bell has rung, class has begun."


	2. Lunch

The ringing of the bell ends class, sending the students to lunch. Wirt and Sara walk with each other to the lunchroom, as they see Jason Funderberker(the human) and his girlfriend Wendy Corduroy hanging at her locker, which is full of ice bags. Jason says to Wirt, "Hey Wirt, are you going to the football game tonight? I'm going to be the star quarterback,"

Wirt replies, "Sorry, I'm listening to poetry and clarinet with Sara tonight."

Jason gets a sour look upon his face.

Wendy says, "That's rad dudes!"

Jason becomes jealous and grabs Wendy by her flannel shirt, making out with her aggressively. Weirded out by this, Wirt and Sara continue onward.

The lovers step up to the cafeteria line where the lunch lady, Auntie Whispers, fills their lunch trays with Potatoes and Molasses as she shoves countless black turtles in her mouth. All of the students go to their lunch tables, made from the bones of those devoured by Lorna before. Wirt comments, "These tables compliment the school's post-contemporary architectural design. Sara replies, "That's fucked up man. You know it's made of dead people." Wirt and Sara take a seat at a table, followed by the other friends making up their group. The most popular kid in the entire school, Gerald, sits down by Sara, as he drinks Coca-Cola and solves math equations. He boldly declares to the group of friends, "A'ight."

Greg complains that his new teacher, Mrs. Langtree, only talks about Jimmy Brown, who works in stagecraft. He claims that she spent the entire class period singing about how Jimmy doesn't spend enough time with her. Suddenly, Dipper Pines takes a seat at the lunch table along with his girl, Pacifica Northwest. Dipper brags, "Sorry, I was out hunting ghosts and fucking Pacifica all morning."

Across the room, a small ginger boy named Rosemary yells, "Shut up, you asshole!"

Dipper replies, "Bruh, have you even battled gnomes?"

To which Rosemary, a total wimp, retreats to his friend group.

Suddenly, an Ink grenade is thrown on Wirt and his friends' table,

"Sploon fight," yells Mabel, as she shoots her boyfriend Mermando, with her Splattershot.

The school's janitor, Fred the Horse, charges into the cafeteria with his Splat Roller, flattening all of the children in his path while yelling, "How may I horse your acquaintance."

Beatrice replies to Fred, "Like this," as she pulls out a splat charger and shoots the horse across the forehead. The Beast watches the destruction as he carves further and further into his Edelwood skin.

The resource officer, Paul Blart, watches and does nothing to stop the chaos because he is incompetent at his job.

Primary shareholder and investor of the school, Mr. Langtree, bursts into the door yelling, "Enough! This is what I've been paying for?"

The students then sit down, and Wirt and his friends' discuss their plans for prom, which is a week away. Wirt asks Sara to accompany him and she quickly replies, "Yes! Of course. Anything for you my precious little gnome."

Lorna and Beatrice show disgust as they long to meet with Wirt's prize winning peacock. Greg turns to Jason Funderberker(the frog) and ask, "Would you like to go as homies?" Jason replies with a ribit (which means yes). As the lunch period concludes Beatrice pulls Lorna aside telling her, "We need to sabotage Wirt and Sara's prom night." "But how?" Lorna replies. Then suddenly a tear in the universe opens up as a triangular shaped man with a top hat and one eye descends to the two desperate girls. Lorna screams, "Who are you?" The triangle man replies, "It's me bitches. The one, the only, Bill Cipher."

Beatrice sarcastically remarks, "Never heard of you."

Mabel walks by, saying, "Hey Bill. How's the fam?"

"Only stupid YouTube theorists actually think I have a family Mabel. And they think you're related to Pacifica."

"Wow, wouldn't that be incest?"

"I know, then the internet would have to fantasize about double "pinecest."

"What?"

"Look it up sometime, you'll probably regret it. Anyway, I'm not here to help you, Shooting Star, I need to help these two young, and beautiful, ladies out."

Beatrice throws a rock at Bill's eye, temporarily blinding him.

"Feisty, I see. You should probably be nicer to me because I'm the only chance you two have at getting Wirt."

Beatrice replies, "I don't need any man's help. I'm a strong female character."

Lorna interrupts saying, "I'm not. I'm quite weak."

Bill says, "Hmm. I know just the thing that will win you Wirt's heart."

Bill shakes Lorna's finely moisturised hand with his flaming hot blue hands.

Smoke surrounds Lorna as she reveals her new form, a Cardinal.

Beatrice exclaims, "Bitch stole my look!"


	3. After School

Wirt and Greg are walking home from the first day of school.

Greg asks Wirt, "Are you excited for Prom?"

The older child replies, "I'm having second thoughts about going with Sara. I'm not sure if I love her anymore, not since the event."

Greg says, "Oh yeah, the one that we are never to speak of."

Suddenly, a short man with some luscious hair, appears in the woods.

Wirt approaches him, asking him for his name.

"I'm Blendin Blandin, I was just traveling through time. Stupid time anomalies."

Greg replies, "You sound like the lemon guy we met the other day."

Blendin replies, "I get that a lot. Mind if I walk you boys home."

Wirt says, "That sounds like a fantastic idea. You can give me lady advice."

Blendin states, "I've never touched a woman in my life. I'm hot for this Mabel girl though."

Wirt replies, "Mabel Pines? I'd bang that."

Blendin's watch suddenly began blinking, "Sorry guys, I've got a time anomaly going on in the 1860's. Stupid Abraham Lincoln, always abusing his time traveling machine. He acts like he's the king of Mars or something. See you later."

Wirt says, "Wow, that encounter was entirely useless."

Gregory squints down the road and notices a bird flying towards them.

"Oh look. It's Beatrice," the young boy dressed as an elephant says.

Wirt replies, "Greg, we've gone over this. Beatrice is a human now. Don't make me beat you again."

Greg runs away as he feared his brother greatly. Since the event, Wirt has shown a more aggressive mentality.

The bird continues to approach Wirt.

"Hey, Wirt," the bird says.

"Who the hell are you?" Wirt yells at the Cardinal.

"It's me, Lorna."

"Since when we you a bird." Wirt says this while admiring the bird's figure. He whispers to himself, "Damn that bird's got one nice body."

"Some triangular man turned me into a bird," Lorna claims.

Wirt replies, "He did a bang up job."

Wirt then says, "How would you like to bring that body of yours to prom with me?"

Lorna exclaims, "Of course. Anything for my little black turtle."

The Cardinal then flew away as Wirt contemplated the consequences of his decision. Just kidding, he didn't. Wirt actually gave himself a pat on the back murmuring to himself, "Still got it. I just can't resist the allure of fine birds."

Wirt meets up with Dipper at the Tavern to drink age appropriate drinks, like juice. Wirt tells Dipper about his new babe. Dipper puts his hands in a v shape and sticks his tongue through it and yells, "That's bangin' brah!"

Sara then walks through the Tavern's front door.

Sara yells over to Wirt saying, "Hey Wirt! Want to drink age appropriate drinks?"

Dipper stands up, flips her off, and yells, "Bitch. He don't want you no more. Wirt got the bird!"

Sara storms out of the room crying.

Dipper says enthusiastically, "That went well."

Wirt replies, "Thanks for breaking it to her. I'm sure she saw it coming after, you know, the event."

Dipper replies, "Yeah, but we can't talk about it, remember.

Dipper grabs his hat, puts it on backwards, and tightens his Air Jordans and yells, "I'm outie!"

…

Beatrice is throwing rocks at birds in the woods in hopes of being turned into one. Beatrice contorts, "These birds have gotten a lot harder to hit." She sees off in the distance, a figure sprinting towards her. Beatrice says to herself, "Man, she must be in a hurry." The figure started screaming, "You bitch!" Beatrice realizes the figure is Sara. Beatrice says to the girl who is still wearing a clown costume for some reason, "Hey. What's up." Sara screams, "You stole my little gnome! He's all I have, besides my sweet jacket." Beatrice replies, "On what grounds?"

Sara yells back, "Dipper told me a bird stole Wirt's heart and I know it's you!"

Beatrice sarcastically remarks, "Well, clearly I am a human, not a bird. However, Lorna was transformed into a bird earlier today."

The beast, rolling through the woods on his RipStick stopped by the girls and asked, "What are you conformists doing in my dark forest. This is where I retreat away from mainstream society." Sara tells the Beast, "This is none of your business."

"I found someone. Do you know him? Just making sure before I consume his soul," the Beast holds up Greg, who enthusiastically declares, "Hey, Sara, and girl who sounds like Beatrice." Beatrice tells the Beast, "Doesn't ring a bell." The Beast takes Greg into the darkest confines of the woods, and lays him down as Edelwood slowly grows around him. Suddenly the Beast sees a dark and mysterious figure in the distance. The figure walks closer and closer to the Beast. The Beast yells to the figure, "Are you ready to see true darkness." The mysterious figure replies with a single ribbit. The Beast yells,"No! Not you! Not again!"

"Over the treetops and mountains," the figure sings as he springs into the air and kicks the Beast in the face. "Over the blackened revine," he continues as he punches the Beast in his private parts. "And softly you'll fall by a house near a stream," the Beast hits the ground, the figure, now clearly visible to the Beast as Jason Funderberker(the frog), sings, "And Over the Garden Wall," as he pulls out his katana and slices the Beast's head clean off. He sheathes his katana singing, "To theeeeeee."

As Sara and Beatrice continue to argue in the woods, Sara exclaims, "So it's Lorna! She's the one ruining our lives!"

Beatrice replies, "Not anymore" as a rock hits an oncoming bluebird in the head.

Sara yells, "I think that bird is dead."

Beatrice then transforms into a bluebird. "Goodbye,", she declares as she flies away from Sara. Sara sits down, crying, longingly looking out in the distance as she murmurs to herself, "I need Wirt. I love him." A hand is placed upon Sara's shoulders, "Hello Sara. Do you believe in ghosts?"


	4. Second Day of School

Sara looks over at her alarm clock. It's 6:00 in the morning, meaning she should be preparing for school, yet she feels no motivation to get up. She misses Wirt. The only reason she agreed to go to prom with Jason Funderberker(the human) was to get back at Wirt, hoping his jealousy would make Wirt beg her to take him back. Prom is in six days now, but it feels a lifetime away. The doorbell to Sara's house rings, she gets up from her bed, sluggishly strolling to her front door. She opens it, "Hey Sara, it's Mabel here.

I brought you some cupcakes to make you feel better about, what's his name again? Walt?"

"It's Wirt, Mabel. Thanks though, I appreciate it," Sara says impassively.

"Also, I'm sorry about what my brother said. He hasn't been the same since the event," Mabel explains, with a rare glint of sadness in her eyes.

"It's ok," Sara says dishonestly.

"Hey, I have an amazing idea. Let's walk to school together," Mabel excitedly exclaims.

"Sure," Sara says with a touch of reluctance, "Let me put on some clothes."

At this moment, Mabel notices that Sara is completly undressed, from head to toe wearing nothing but clown makeup. She's somewhat aroused, but contains it, as she has feelings for Mermando, or so she thinks.

…

As the students of the Unknown High School walk into the school building, an announcement from Vice Principal Enoch is uttered. "Hello children. Remember that prom is less than a week away. I'm happy to announce that the theme will be: The Inevitability of Death, Under the Stars."

Greg says to older brother, "A bit of downer. I was hoping that the theme would be…"

"What the…," Wirt interrupts, "Is that? Beatrice!" Greg screams at the top of his lungs! "I haven't seen you since that adventure we went on years ago."

Wirt, utterly perplexed, asks, "Did you get in trouble with the bluebirds again?"

As Wirt says this he couldn't resist the erection pushing against his tight blue pants.

Beatrice flirtatiously proclaims, "I knew you were into birds so I thought that I makeover would make you happy."

Suddenly Lorna flies into Wirt's field of vision. "Why are you talking to her, Wirt. We both know that I'm the bird you'll go to prom with."

Before Wirt can respond to this, he see's his ex-girlfriend, Sara, holding hands with Jason Funderberker(the human)!

He storms away from the two birds towards Sara and Jason. "What the hell Funderberker!" he yells as he punches Jason across the face.

"What was that for," Sara hollered. Wirt turns around, disgusted at the now bloodied face of his arch rival, when he notices that Beatrice and Lorna are fighting each other. Each bird claws one another, eager to win the love of Wirt. Paul Blart was in the hallway, but he merely watched due to his incompetence at his job.

Abruptly, all five students are called to the principal's office through the intercom.

The five feuding students reach the door of the principal's office and each take a seat inside. "Please explain to me," Principal Endicott declares, "Why you five are sitting in front of me today."

Jason blurted, "I got punched in the face."

Endicott replies, "Nobody asked you to talk Funderberker."

Jason replied, "Yeah you did."

"Shut up!", Endicott exclaimed, "Wirt, why did you act in such an inappropriate manner?"

"Mr. Endicott, I didn't do anything," Wirt falsely states.

"Yeah, Principal Endicott, we honestly have no idea why we're here," Beatrice says, reinforcing Wirt's lie.

"But, there was a punch. And birds clawing each other," Endicott explains.

"What birds?" Lorna asks.

"Oh no! Is it happening again," Endicott solemnly proclaims.

"What Mr. Endicott?" Sara asks in an innocent tone.

"I'm afraid I'm once again seeing things! Oh, my nerves! What if I'm on the brink of of of, madness!" Endicott says while sweating profusely.

Fred the Horse, cleaning Endicott's office, proclaims, "Yeah that must be it!"

"No, Wirt definitely punched me," Jason vocalizes.

"Get out of my office! Now! Before I lose my sanity! Endicott yells.

The group of five shut the door behind them as they return to the hallways of Unknown High.

Jason confronts Wirt pronouncing, "You punched me. What's wrong with you. I've never done anything to hurt you."

"Oh shut up, Funderberker," Wirt utters.

"Ok Wirt, I'll make him shut up!" Sara says as she grabs Jason and begins making out with him."

Dipper taps Wirt on the shoulder, "What's goin' on home-slice?"

"Can you stop talking like that Dipper, you pretentious prick! I get no respect in this damn school!" Wirt exclaims furiously.

Wirt turns around to walk away, but is shocked to find his brother Greg standing in front of him.

Greg, deeply concerned, states, "Jason the Frog and I are worried about you, Wirt. Ever since the event you've been acting irrational."

"Irrational, Why do I put up with you people!", Wirt says this and storms away.

...

Wirt heads back to the Tavern and meets up with his friends, Arin, Danny, and Ross. Wirt asks the three loyal friends, "What's wrong with people? They judge me for the most insignificant things."

Arin replies, "What is this? This apple juice is too damn sweet! You've got to look at yourself and ask, 'What am I willing to put up with today. Not fucking this.'

Ross suggests, "Don't be mean, Arin."

Danny replies, "Goddamnit Ross."

Ross says, "I open my mouth and things bad happen."

Wirt yells, "Shut up, all of you."

Hoshi walks up and joins the conversation, "I will take the bullet "

Wirt yells to the depressed Asian man, "When did you show up? Get out Hoshi, It's none of your business!"

Arin looks at Wirt in the eyes, "You don't treat my friends like that. If you don't stop, Danny here will have to teach you a lesson."

Wirt smugly replies, "What's that skinny little jew going to do to me? Throw me a bar mitzvah?"

Danny says in a scratchy, but potent voice, "I'm gonna learn you how to play buttball."

As Mr. Sexbang pulls out his long and hard wood, baseball bat, Wirt runs out through the Tavern's front door.

Danny yells to the fleeing teenager, "Get out of here!"

Wirt suddenly runs into a mysterious figure knocking him down on his tight and firm ass.

"Yellow," he says, as Wirt realizes it's his friend, Bill Cipher.

"Remember me, gnome boy, we met during, the event, you know the one we're obligated to never speak about?"

"Yeah. Hey. What are you doing in the Unknown," Wirt asks out of curiosity.

"Oh, just turning young ladies into birds."

"What? Why?"

"I was only helping you out. You once told me that you have a huge bird fetish. So I turned your friend Lorna into a Cardinal. Awesome, right?"

"That's terrible!"

"You didn't think it was terrible when you asked her to prom."

Wirt replies, "I'll admit it was pretty dank bro."

"Speaking of dank, I need your help since I helped with your prom situation."

"Sure," Wirt says without hesitation, "Anything for my favorite triangle man."

"Awesome. I'm working on this project. Nothing harmful, just need you to shake my hand real quick.

"Sounds easy enough," Wirt confidently proclaims as he reaches his hand out to Bill's fiery blue hand and shakes his hand.

Bill starts laughing maniacally.

Wirt asks, "What's so funny? Are you watching Clarence? That show's hilarious."

"Oh, that's not why I'm laughing. I was originally going to take over Dipper's body, but, you know, been there, done that. I wanted some fresh blood and since you're the hottest hunk at school, you seemed like the perfect candidate."

"Thanks for the compliment. Wait, what was that about taking over my…," Wirt is interrupted as his pupils transform from circles into a vertical rectangular shape.


	5. Sexual Misfires

Greg was at his house playing video games on BMO with Jason Funderberker (frog).

Greg says "I sure am worried about Wirt, he has been acting very unusual since the event."

Jason replies with a ribit

"You're right, Jason, we should just play video games"

Greg continues playing Grand Theft Auto on BMO. In GTA, Greg goes to the stripclub and gets several lap dances.

All of a sudden, Wirt bursts through the door.

"Hey Wirt, I was just about to screw a prostitute, want to play with me?"

"No, thank you, Greg." Wirt says in a tired voice

"Come on Wirt, it's the last prostitute of the season and you promised me you would go prostitute hunting with me"

Suddenly, Wirt's step dad walks into the living room.

"Hey dad!' Greg exclaims

'Hey, Paul" Wirt says

"Come on Wirt, you can call me Dad." Paul Blart replies to the exhausted child. "I had a long day patrolling the high school and being incompetent at my job."

"Shut up, Paul Blart Pop Tart, you sat in the corner eating pies with peanut butter on them!" Wirt yells

"Hey, I work very hard to protect this school by letting violent domestic conflicts solve themselves."

Just as Paul finishes his sentence, his blood sugar levels drop and he falls to his knees. Paul grabs a lollipop off the ground and eats it to regain his strength.

He gets up and yells, "Get out of my mall and leave my friends alone," while pointing to the door.

Wirt leaves the house to go for a walk around the Unknown.

…

As Wirt was walking, he passes Dipper shooting hoops shirtless.

"Ayy balla, wanna 1v1 me in b-ball!" Dipper shouts.

"Nah man, I'm just walking and reciting poetry to my self"

"Mind if I cruise with ya, dawg?'

"Sure."

Dipper throws on his tanktop, puts on his flat bill and puts on his sperrys.

Dipper and Wirt walk through Pottsfield while talking.

Wirt says, "I have a problem, there are two birds, but only one Wirt, it's going to make choosing which one I want to bring to prom difficult."

"Just bring both of yo bitches to prom, dawg."

"Great idea, thanks Dipper!"

"You know I'm always here fo my homie, you be trippin' man."

The group walks by Rosemary who previously insulted Dipper at lunch.

Rosemary is peacefully strolling through the woods and is unaware of Dipper and Wirt.

Dipper is still mad at Rosemary despite owning him at lunch. Dipper sneaks behind Rosemary and pulls out his air horn he always keeps with him.

Dipper put the horn behind the gingers ear and fires.

Rosemary makes a loud, girly scream and runs forward into the street.

A car rounds the corner and runs over his foot because he wasn't paying attention.

…

Wirt lies in bed with the Woodsman's daughter, performing intercourse, in order to satisfy his sexual needs.

The Woodsman bursts into his front door, interrupting Wirt and his daughter's sexual excursion.

"Hey, Woodsman, I'm grinding your daughter's Edelwood," Wirt exclaims.

The Woodsman, in shock, yells at the perverted gnome, "My daughter's body is no place for children!"

The Woodsman pulls out his axe and starts swinging it around at the young lovers.

Suddenly, the axe is jolted out of his hand.

"Hey, I'm Wendy Corduroy and I'm cool."

"What are you doing?"

"You're using your axe incorrectly. It's all about how you position your hands."

"Stop it, I need to scare away the horny gnome."

"It's ok. The axe shouldn't be used to harm people, only to chop wood, and perform sexual intercourse."

Wirt runs away, while Wendy distracts the Woodsman.

…

Four days pass, it is the night before prom. The time in between was relatively uneventful. It consisted of Wirt arguing with Paul Blart and the usual school day.

Wirt walks into his bedroom and locks the door. The room is filled with the sound of his poetry and clarinet tapes. Wirt opens his window to get some fresh air. Two young, and attractive birds happen to fly through that window.

"Hey, Wirt." Beatrice says in a flirtatious tone.

Then Lorna says "It's awfully lonely in this room, mind if we give you some company?"

"I'm usually against visitors, but right now I could use the companionship of some feathered specimens."

Just as this happens, Paul Blart knocks on the door, "Knock, knock, knock."

"Hey Wirt, want to throw the football with me?" the overweight security officer asks.

"Not now, Paul!" Wirt explains

Paul thinks to himself, "Maybe I should help with this, being that Wirt is upset with me. Nah, I'm incompetent as a father and will let this solve itself."

Wirt then says, "Shall we return." with an eager grin on his face.

Wirt takes of his cape and places his hat on the nightstand next to his bed.

The birds use their beaks to unstrap his overalls, one on each strap. Wirt is in his undergarments and his button up shirt.

The three lovers begin to have a three-way.

…

Afterwards, all three of them are lying naked in bed.

Lorna is contemplating her decisions and is starting to feel regretful for what she just did.

She says ,"I have to go," and flies out the window.

She asks herself, "Is this what I have become, some slutty bird piece of shit?"

"I'm not going to go to prom with that pervert. He only likes me for my body and cleaning skills," Lorna concludes.

…

"Man, this kid's body sure is weak. It's so much fun running around, using it as a sexual tool of destruction," Wirt, now possessed by Bill, utters to himself.

"Prom is going to be a blast tomorrow."

"Two dates, count me in. Twice the bird pussy."

Wirt hears a knock on the door, it's Paul.

"Son, I need to speak to you."

Wirt cracks the door open, "What, Paul!"

"Oh, geez, I heard some grunting and you may have yelled something about anal sex. After that, I watched you and your bird friends having sex through the keyhole in the door. I think it's time for me to give you the talk."

"Sorry, Paul, I'm busy getting ready for Prom."

"You've been acting awful grumpy since the event. Do you need to see a psychiatrist? I know a very incompetent one down the street. Anyway, what I was saying was, when a man's blood sugar is low…" Wirt slams the half open door, interrupting Paul's lecture.

Wirt looks out the window and sees Greg and Jason the frog walking towards the front door. Suddenly Jason, stares at Wirt, whose head is peeking out the window.

"He may be on to me. I should just keep my eyes shut."


	6. Date with Destiny

Wirt is walking to prom with Beatrice on his shoulder.

"Do you know what happened to Lorna?" Wirt asks

"I definitely didn't kill her," Beatrice declares.

"That's a relief, yeah, but I wouldn't really care."

When they are walking to prom, Jason funderburker(frog) was running late because he was searching Wirt's room for clues of Bill Cypher.

Jason opens the nightstand and finds deer teeth.

Jason exclaims, "Ribit!" which is frog for bingo.

Greg opens the door and says "We are going to be late, let's go."

On the way out, Jason discreetly grabs his katana without Greg knowing.

…

Wirt and Beatrice arrive at prom, everyone was there. The first person Wirt sees as he walks in is Dipper and Pacifica. Dipper, shirtless, is grinding on busty blonde, Pacifica. Behind them, is Mermando dancing with Mabel as Blendin jealously stood behind them, watching their every move. Wirt looks spitefully at Jason Funderberker(the Human) making out with Sara right in front of him and Beatrice. The prom's venue, Unknown High School's gym, has gravestones covering the hardwood floor. Human skeletons and Edelwood trees envelope the walls, each symbol representing the night's theme of The Inevitability of Death Under the Stars.

"Hello. I'm the vice principal of this establishment, Enoch, and I'm hosting this event tonight. Remember, don't break any school rules, or I'll have to punish you for your transgressions."

"You ready for some dirty dancing Beatrice. Yeah, first let me grab some punch."

Wirt scans the room and notices that Lorna, still a elegant cardinal, is flying idle in the corner of the gym.

He struts over confidently and proclaims, "Why didn't you walk with me and Beatrice here? Let me guess, you're jealous. Don't worry, you're so much hotter."

"I can't do this anymore. I need to find that wretched triangle man and turn myself back into a human."

Why would you want that. Wirt doesn't have a human fetish. Why do you think he left Sara?"

Excuse me, why are you speaking in the third person."

Suddenly the music stops, followed by the room full of dancing high schoolers.

"Oops, simple mistake. Of course I'm Wirt," as he says this, he hears a katana being unsheathed.

"Man, I was hoping I wouldn't have to fight you, frogman."

A single, yet potent, ribet, echoes across the room.

"So, it must be time for me to reveal that I'm actually the infamous Bill Cipher. You may be asking why I would take over this young man's body? Long story, short, tonight is a very special night and I was hoping this disguise would make my, little project, a tad bit easier, but I love challenges."

"Why'd you take over his body? Was my body not good enough for you?"

"Sorry, pine tree, I wanted some fresh blood. Anyway this school is built on top of a portal, of which I hold very dearly. In order for it's power to be unlocked, someone must enter. Unfortunately, the material making up my body couldn't cross through the portal, I was stumped. Then, I threw some humans in, but they disintegrated. I did a little bit of studying and the organic materials that the portal are composed of, burn through a human's skin. However, after extensive research, I found that the feathers of a bird, reflect the harmful electric currents, contained in the portal. And here I am, two birds, who adore me, and would do anything for me, even flying to their possible death. Upon entering the portal, the energy released from it, will collapse the universe! It was completely unnecessary to explain my entire plan to you, but whatever, you'll all be dead in a few minutes anyway, but first, we've got ourselves an amphibian problem in the room, to take care of."

Jason Funderberker(the frog) stands opposite of Will(Wirt + Bill). A fog machine by Jason's foot goes off, as he sings, "Led through the mist, by the milk light of moon." Jason charges towards Will, who shoots laser beams out of his eyes. Jason deflects them with his Katana bouncing the laser straight back towards Will, who leaps out of line of fire. Jason then throws a set of three ninja stars toward Will's head, as he refrains, "All that was lost is revealed." Will ducks just in time, allowing the stars to cut through his red conical hat.

"I never liked that hat anyway," hollered Will.

"Our long, bygone burdens, mere echoes of the wind," he sings as his katana slices through the wind seeping in through the windows, towards the possessed high schooler.

Beatrice, somehow, still completely ignorant of the current circumstances, cheers, "Go Wirt! You can do it."

"Thanks, Blue," Will says as he grabs the quickly oncoming katana, thrusting, with all of his strength, the sword back towards Jason.

"And where have we come, and where shall we end, the frog proclaims as he swing his katana at Will, who narrowly avoids the blade by rolling out of the way at the last second.

Cipher looks up and sees the Woodsman standing with his daughter, protecting her from creeps like him. Will springs up, grabbing the Woodsman's axe from his hands and begins swinging it at Jason.

"If dreams can't come true, then why not pretend," suddenly a figure tackles Cipher.

"Give me my brother back," Gregory yells as he begins hitting Cipher in the face with the butt of the axe in his hands.

Jason sprints towards Will, while hollering, "Oh, how the gentle wind, beckons through the leaves, as autumn colors fall."

"Dancing in a swirl of golden memories, Jason raises his katana, "The loveliest lies of all," as this last line is uttered Jason's katana stops inches from Will's neck.

The frog candidly states, "Give this boy his body back, or I'll have to I'll kill you both."

Cipher suddenly bursts out laughing, you truly do underestimate me, you don't think I've got any tricks under my sleeve. Well, I wouldn't call it a trick, but there's no way you've got large enough testicles to kill your best friend's brother. Let's be honest."

"I'll do it fool, the frog sings.

Abruptly, an overweight man bursts through the door exclaiming, "I'm tired of being viewed as incompetent. I'm going save the day for once bitches. I'm going to stand up and fight like a man, despite my obesity and blood sugar issues. Today, I'm evolving from a security guard to a security man. Paul Blart screams, "For Gerald," as he charges toward Cipher.

Will states, "I feel bad for this sad sack of loneliness and failure. Can you believe this…" Cipher's mockery of Paul is interrupted by the 300 pound man bear hugging him and throwing him to the ground." The earth shattering tackle knocks Bill Cipher out of Wirt, transforming Will back to Wirt.

Wirt yells, "LSD is much weirder than I expected. Wait, where am I?"

Bill hollers, "You fools! I'll spare you for now, but this portal under the school, is only a small piece of a much bigger picture. When I return I won't threaten this universe alone, I'll threaten everything. This plan has been in the making since the event so heed my warning, "Reality is an illusion, the universe is a hologram, buy gold, buy!" Wirt, suddenly falls to the ground murmuring while tears slowly run down his cheek, "Its my fault. Everything's been my fault. I forgot who I was as a person. I contained my anger and directed it at my brother and my step-dad. Worst of all, I betrayed you, Sara, because I desired more than I needed.

"Wirt, it wasn't just you," Beatrice adds, I shouldn't have transformed myself back into a bird just to impress you."

"Along with me," Lorna expands, I was so jealous of what you had with Sara that I tried to steal it from Sara for myself."

"I myself, must apologize," Jason the frog says, "I've kept deep and dark secrets from all of you. Since I was a young frog I was trained to eliminate the monsters that inhabit the Unknown, Bill was my final target, my last job."

"And I'm sorry," Enoch annunciates, "I thought the inevitability of death would make a great prom theme, but I now realize how misguided my thinking was."

"I'm also sorry," Dipper states, "I thought more people would think I was cool if I acted like a total douchebag. I, too, was wrong."

Lastly Paul Blart exclaims, "I'm sorry that I've been incompetent as a security guard and a father, in the past. I though it came off as lovable, but I soon realized that everybody hated me for it."

Everyone in the gym joined with each other in the center of the gym, hugging each other in a warm embrace of love and happiness."

"Man, I sure am glad that everything's back to normal," exclaims Justin, a character that has yet to be established in this story, but who honestly gives a flying fuck.

…

Bill, floating in the expanse of the mindscape, manically utters to himself, "They have no idea what's coming! They think they're safe. Well, nobody's safe when I'm around. I was hoping I could destroy their universe before my master plan because there's a man there who is capable of defeating me, but, who knows, maybe the prophecies are false. The prophecies of Paul Blart: The Mall Cop.


End file.
